i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
