she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
