you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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