you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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