I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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