Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
