GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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