I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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