whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
