Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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