i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
