Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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