I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
