the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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