by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
