Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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