can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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