I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
