sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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