Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
