So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
