In America we eat man semen.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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