I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
is that a dick in a sweater?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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