This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
