He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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