I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
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throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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