If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
