my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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