My friends, they love my intelligence
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
