She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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