The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
