Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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