Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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