$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
