FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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