I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
