I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
