1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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