and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
