you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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