I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
