I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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