so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
