you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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