What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
