even my farts smell like vagina
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
