OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize