The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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