You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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