I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
