Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
ok first of all what the fuck
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
