this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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