walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
