The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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