if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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