I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
