Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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