hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
