i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
