I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
