she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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