My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
