Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
we're so committed to being not committed
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
